It should require a bit more than renewing the plates on a car.

[Bill Cady]

Marriage renewals

How’s that for an oddball topic? Particularly from a man like me. My track record shows I’ve either learned so much about marriage and marital bliss as to have all the answers, with no exceptions, or I don’t know squat on the issue.

I can think of four people, all women, whom I’m certain would go for Option 2 on the list, but why digress?

Based on current knowledge, I can only speak to the way it’s done here in California. I don’t recall how such matters were handled in Michigan and I have no wish to do any involved research. Out here, in the land of the terminally insincere, where BFF really only means until after lunch or until something better comes along, we have time limits. A car’s registration must be renewed every two years. The cost is exorbitant, around $150.00 per car, plus a smog check. That usually ads $50 to $75 bucks to the package. You also get a sticker for your license plate. If it’s expired, a cop will stop you, resulting in a ticket in the $325 range.

A driver’s license must be renewed every five years. I’m not sure on the cost, since mine comes up for renewal this year in December, but I think it’s around $28, if memory serves me properly. To get this, unless you’re an illegal, you have to qualify. It means they test you and, at least in theory, you know something about driving. It shows you know the laws about operating a vehicle on public roadways.

A marriage license, on the other hand, is much different. It costs $45 in most places, but some counties crank it up as high as $84, although that’s not much as a deterrent. No waiting period is required, (but you must wait five days for a handgun), and there’s not even a test. Virginity isn’t required, and no one inspects either party to discern if there’s even a gram of common sense present.

Of course, what they don’t tell you about are the “exit fees”. See, when it falls apart, as do the majority of such unions, there are a couple hundred bucks in costs in divorce court. That’s only the state and-or county fees, however. In most cases, one or both people will get a sinister tool known as an “attorney”. Those are evil bastards, (or bastardettes), who can make any vampire seem to be on a low-cal diet. Those suckers are out for blood!

Using my minimal experience, having divorced four women, (I always filed, except for the second one, where I forced her to do it), my costs have been $900,000 or so. Honestly, I don’t have, (and never did), that kind of money. The annual divorce rate in our country is averaged out at 50%, which is both high and low, depending on the age of the couple and how many times each has been married.

“The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.“

What would rectify this situation is to follow the system in use with almost any other form of license. First, at least require a written exam. A 40-hour course of education wouldn’t do any harm, either. Then, set a renewal date. Two years is probably a waste of time, money and effort. All mine except the second managed to at least be “okay” for that long, but five years is a horse of a different color.

It would be much better if, after five years, both parties showed up, paid a small fee in line with the cost of keeping records, and attested each wanted to continue. There would need to be a police presence for those, usually women, fearful of the spouse’s reaction. An office off to the side would be set up to issue restraining orders on the spot, if requested. In cases where the ghastly issue of child support rears its ugly head, the attorneys would still be able to have their customary field day and screw some poor guy right into the ground, as usual.

However, a voluntary renewal would eliminate the millions of dollars in legal costs and free the idiots to go do it again, as so many of us do-did-will do. I count myself on that list of morons from November 7^th, 1970, my first blooper, until June 1^st, 1999, the date #4 was made a thing of the past. Obviously, the fee to remarry should be much, much higher and the educational courses, (counseling), much longer and more involved.

Because I’m long out of that arena now, none of it matters to me. The only reason I can imagine I’d remarry is if a woman thoroughly pissed me off. My track record shows I’m very good at getting women to want to be my wife. It also shows none have been able to cause me to want them to remain that way. Still, if she apologized, I’d let her out of it and call off the wedding. After all, who needs the grief?

Now the gay people are fighting to get the “right” to marry. I say they should be subject to the same penalties we are. Let them suffer right alongside the rest of us.

I’m just sayin’.

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